I know that in my last pseudo-post, I alluded to an incredible change in my relationship with God, and I think it was unfair to leave it at that, but I really needed to step back and reflect on the real scope of the work He's doing in and around me... and to the extent that I'm even capable of comprehending it, I think I'm ready to give it a shot. So here goes... this is gonna take a while.
The Setup
My adjustment to living in Nashville, away from the friends, family, and places I love, was not easy. I had a tendency to pretend that everything was incredible--never better, in fact! But inwardly, I was wasting away. I still held on to a grudge against my old pastor, and I spent the fall going to church, but unable to worship, which has always been where I met with God most powerfully and most intimately. He made me with music, and for a season, I needed to meet Him in other places. I had a couple good friends at the time who watched my struggle in that regard, and I'm so thankful for them. But as with all things of this nature, I see in retrospect that I was at least 50% of the struggle, if not a great deal more. I wasn't ready to be healed, I wanted to wallow (though I didn't admit it), and I wanted to have someone to blame when things went wrong (as I believed they would). This is the real-life equivalent of "place your head between your knees and prepare for impact."
Concurrently, I had this incredible internship. I also had this insatiable ambition. The latter prevented me, I realize now, from being as good for them as I could have. I took a lot for granted, and I imagined myself every day to be in competition with some nameless, faceless other uber-intern who was my primary competition for the job of my dreams. I don't know why, I don't know where it came from, but that's what was going on in my head. Anything less than a killer job at the end would have been a massive, embarrassing failure. So you can see I was on track for a meltdown... and it came. The internship ended, no job was offered (duh), and I went home for Christmas feeling like a complete failure at life... and I wasn't really ready to deal with God, either.
Looking back now, I realize what a great deal I had during my internship, how sweet everyone was (well, I realized that at the time, but I also thought they were keeping score constantly. (Un)Holy self-centeredness!), how much I learned, and what a rare and enviable opportunity I had, being a small and temporary part of such an incredible company.
Meanwhile, back in the 'Ville...
So I returned to Nashville with no job, a lease I couldn't afford, and no prospects to speak of. I sent about 60 resumes to various companies in a handful of cities, trying to convince myself that I'd misheard God, and that my real purpose was waiting for me in DC or Chicago or London, or back in Boston (how could I have missed it?)... 60 or so resumes and nothing. No call, no email, no anything. This wasn't the story I was expecting. The Berklee spring break group would be here soon, and I was going to be unemployed? Oh man... please no.
It was at this point that I had an experience similar to the night in Feb 2004 that I fell on my knees and begged God to be real, or the short, rough period last year, after I'd spent all of my energy pouring out and needed to be poured into. I finally realized that all of my efforts were worthless, because I was trying to find something for MY sake. I wanted a job to preserve MY image. I wanted the house in Franklin because it made everything look as though life was great... it was a cover for what really was going on, and what was really going on was that I had let my pride get in the way of God's sovereignty. And I was headed for a pretty damaging crash-down if I didn't surrender control to Him.
Somewhere in that time, a switch flipped, and I found myself hungry for Him again... all I wanted to do was know Him again, to feel as though I wasn't alone in the wilderness, to trust His promise that He had a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. I started seeking Him, rather than seeking some rock star job that looked great to everyone back home. All I wanted was to conform my will to His, and to go where He wanted me and stand in the gap that He had carved out for me. All I needed was to hear Him... oh crap. Hear Him? How was I gonna do that?
Then, just as quickly, things started to turn. I found a new house up in E. Nashville (the 'hood) that I could afford, with 3 other Christian guys, I joined my church choir, and I took a job delivering pizzas and started temping in the mail room at EMI. And between the pizzas and the temping and the hunger for God, all of a sudden, things looked pretty great.
I won't get too into the choir thing, or a whole lot of the peripheral stuff that requires even more backstory, in the interest of getting to where we are now...
It's for you. It's God.
Then one day when I wasn't at EMI and wasn't delivering pizza, and wasn't actually stressing about not having some sexy industry job, the phone rang. On the other end was a voice I didn't recognize, belonging to a guy I'd never met, representing a company I'd never heard of. After about 30 minutes of talking, I had an interview set up, and 4 days to research every shred of text I could find on the guy and his company. Long story slightly less long, I got the job, and I'm now the Marketing Director for Gyroscope Arts, Inc., which is relocating to Nashville sometime in the next month, but we're not really sure when. Ha.
Over the last couple nights, I've had a great time talking with a girl who's going to be coming down from Illinois with Gyroscope. She's never lived anywhere but Illinois, where all her friends and family are, and according to her, this move totally goes against her normal MO. But she's taking a step out of the boat and trusting God, because she really believes that He's telling her to go. And this is so exciting to me... I'm so excited for her, and so glad to see that despite her reservations, she's being obedient to God and trusting that He's leading her to the gap He's carved out for her. This is going to be so cool.
That's all for now. Thanks for reading, and sorry for rambling. :)
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." (Phil 4:6)
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